Sunday, 9 May 2010

Gedanken

It's amazing.... really.

Today I was thinking about motivation and determination. And the lack of them this very moment. Yet, without an answer, or a clear image of the situation now, I just thought of doing what I do everyday, browse through internet, while in the same time, wondering what have I become, who I want to become in the future, what the hell am I doing -- not working or studying.

And then,

a sudden realization. It's only natural not to be motivated in uninteresting things. And I should brake free from all the stereotypes I was raised with.

What I study, is useful almost everywhere, yes, but is not interesting with the meaning of knowing or understanding the world. It's a field created by humans and developed by them. Don't misunderstand. I like being an engineer, I like solving problems, and why not, use my creativity now and then.

But I also like the feeling of understanding the world, of the nature that surrounds us, of people beside us. That is the world of a scientist. Aren't engineers supposed to have both? Qualities of scientists and engineers? Why the hell is that not happening??? Why is everything in the faculty so boring?

And what should I do to obtain both and be happy?

 
Also, what's more, while being young, I got used to the idea of judging 'how good people are in a field' by the number of studies they had, high scores and how much they have studied something. But in later years I realized that a sheet of paper or a number do not prove anything. But instead of feeling calm about it, I fell - and still fall- in despair. I immediately question myself: Fuck the others, what are YOU doing? And the answer I get: NOTHING. I always get the feeling that I learn absolutely nothing from my faculty, and this year I have quite abandoned it, because of the many trips I do. Ok, you will think, what's the problem with this? For me it's a big one, because one of my life dreams is to be successful to what I choose to do, and also to gather as much knowledge as possible. My judgement about the situation right now is one: SLACKING. And I hate this. And here comes the determination part. I have lost any kind of determination, and that's not like me. I have always had the will to do everything, however tiring or boring it was.

All in all, I feel like a different person, like I have lost myself. And I wonder, how am I going to solve this?




ps: most of the above, are some of the reasons why I am so much involved in knitting...

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